10/10/12

When I see a guy at a bar wearing a replica jersey of a famous professional athlete, I get a little irritated.  But when I see a girl with him, I become downright angry.  What kind of girl would follow around a grown man playing dress-up?  Then, I got to thinking: If there was a girl dressed up as a famous porn star, I would definitely follow her around.  And that’s how I explain to children that you should always put things into perspective.

06/18/12

During the holidays you guys bring plates of meticulously arranged cookies into the bar.  It’s always an assortment of made up crap with nuts and fruit.  You never have chocolate chip cookies.  Chocolate chip cookies are the best…ever.  Quit trying to better them.  They’re so good that instead of waiting for the cooking process, people just eat the dough.  How do you feel knowing that raw dough is better than your original idea?

05/31/12

People are always asking me why I’m sitting in the corner of the bar.  After I explain to them, in great detail, that I am the center of the universe, and therefore, I am never in the corner of anything, they go right back to leaving me alone.

05/19/12

Sitting at a bar dramatically increases the chances of someone talking to me about things I don’t care about.

05/13/12

Be prepared because next year I’m taking over St. Patrick’s Day.  I realize it’s fun for you to dress up in silly green outfits and walk around punch-drunk spilling more green beer than you drink.  I just wish you would realize that it’s not fun for me.  First off, quit asking me why I’m not wearing green.  I don’t wear green because it makes me look skinny, bald and annoyed.  Second, I will be carrying around a globe.  If you can’t point out Ireland on said globe you will be sent home.

05/7/12

We will always have those guys that come into a bar, tell everyone how great they are, talk down to the bartender and complain about how weak the drinks are.  Your drinks are weak because the bartender’s asshole-o-meter pegged out the instant you walked through the door.  Here, take a drink from my glass.  Taste good?  That’s what it tastes like to NOT be an asshole.

05/1/12

Drinking and driving laws are bullshit.  The DMV should go to the bar with me.  After every drink we’ll get in my vehicle and take the driving test.  If I pass I’ll blow into the breathalyzer.  As soon as I fail the driving test we’ll know my personal BAL limit.  That number will be printed on my license.  That way I can stay at the bars longer.  And that is how I plan to stimulate the economy.

04/25/12

A person’s level of involvement in a political party or religious group is directly proportional to how far that person’s nose is shoved into other people’s business.  If that value is greater than zero you are an asshole.  The number of assholes a society has is directly proportional to the number of laws that society has created to appease said assholes.  And that explains why I can’t sit in a privately owned bar, smoke legal cigarettes and drink legal vodka at 6a.m. while bothering absolutely no one.  I can’t drink all day if I don’t start in the morning.

04/13/12

If I see another group of drunken girls storm into a bar wearing dildos on their heads begging for attention because one of them is about to get married I’m going to start staying at home and shooting my toes off because it’s less painful. The dildos go in your vaginas you stupid whores.

04/9/12

When I find out when and where you guys are meeting to come up with ways to look like idiots while at the same time irritating the hell out of me I’m going to lock you in and burn the place down. Quit it with the flip-flops already. Seven of you bastards smack, smack, smacking around the bar yesterday. You probably still do word search puzzles.

04/4/12

Going to the bar by myself is just as much fun as having sex with myself.
But they won’t let me do both at the same time.

04/3/12

Every time I go to the bar I hope a female porn star will sit down and tell me about her day. Maybe she would even ask for help reading her lines. Instead, I get tall turd stories from Paul the plumber.

03/25/12

Just because I’m sitting near a pool table or jukebox people think I’m in charge of it.

“Do you mind if we shoot a game?”

“Do you mind if we play some music?”

I mind everything about you and everyone you know.

03/25/12

When I go to a bar and Jeopardy is on the television I turn right back around and go to the next bar.
I don’t feel like listening to drunken morons blurting out questions in answer form to answers I don’t care about in the first place.
Free Market Economy

03/23/12

If you have to look at yourself in a full length mirror before you go to the bar don’t sit next to me.

Now that I think about it, if you own a full length mirror don’t reproduce.

03/23/12

All bars could have 3-legged wobble free tables and none of my vodka would spill. But the sugar packet industry has the best lobbyists.