11/2/12

Every scooter I’ve ever been stuck behind has a maximum speed of 10 mph less than the legal speed limit, which is just fast enough so IT gets through a yellow light, but just slow enough that I can’t. Who wants to play Urban Calf Roping?

11/1/12

I’ve been to the New Jersey Shore. It isn’t worth much. Someone estimated that Hurricane Sandy caused $20 billion worth of damage there. I want that person to measure my penis and publish the results.