During the holidays you guys bring plates of meticulously arranged cookies into the bar.  It’s always an assortment of made up crap with nuts and fruit.  You never have chocolate chip cookies.  Chocolate chip cookies are the best…ever.  Quit trying to better them.  They’re so good that instead of waiting for the cooking process, people just eat the dough.  How do you feel knowing that raw dough is better than your original idea?


When someone pulls out a checkbook be prepared, because the next thing out of their mouth is going to be, “What is today’s date?”

I always emphasize the year, “June 14th, TWO-THOUSAND TWELVE!”

“Uh, yeah, I know what year it is.”

“No you don’t.  If you did you wouldn’t still be writing checks.”


If I had a time machine I would go back to see Adam and Eve.  I’ve always wanted to see people that don’t have belly-buttons.


There are more than 300 million people in America.  That will end up being a lot of dead people in 50 years and your outdated burial rituals are going to waste an inconceivable amount of perfectly good land…forever.  No one is that important.  Can you just bury the body long enough to have your little theatrics then dig it up, burn it and make way for the next cold, lifeless body?  Good, now each town will have a recycling cemetery the size of a convenience store parking lot.  As a reward I should get half of all the land I just saved you.