05/31/12

People are always asking me why I’m sitting in the corner of the bar.  After I explain to them, in great detail, that I am the center of the universe, and therefore, I am never in the corner of anything, they go right back to leaving me alone.

05/30/12

We should all get to pick a group of people that will no longer be allowed to get married.  Insane people went first and they picked homosexuals.  Ok, my turn.  I pick the religiously motivated, sexually abstinent.  First off, nothing is funnier than watching someone die a virgin.  But more importantly, their children end up being those creepy, delusional, brainwashed kids that wear white button up shirts and blue pants lugging backpacks full of bibles door to door.  I’m sick of them interrupting my porn time.  Problem solved.

05/29/12

Calm down Mary Poppins…a little rain isn’t going to kill you.  You don’t need an umbrella to walk across the parking lot during a sprinkle storm.  A Scavenger Hunt would never be completed if one of the items on the list was ‘a woman NOT carrying something dramatically useful’.

05/25/12

I can’t keep up with your politically correct labels.  When did you guys make ‘mentally retarded’ an offensive phrase?  And why did you change it to ‘special needs’?  That doesn’t even make sense.  Mentally retarded people have the exact same needs I have.  Hell, I have more once you factor in my booze and smokes and the fact that I ‘need’ to pay taxes.  When Timmy calls his little brother ‘retarded’ because he shoves pencils up his nose, pointy end first, don’t turn him into an asshole because he used a word to its true definition– he’s not being offensive.  What if Timmy called his brother ‘genius’ after the pencil incident? Would that have been offensive?  Would you change that word?  Just so you know, it really wouldn’t matter if you did because we geniuses don’t care what you retards think.

05/24/12

When I see someone carrying bongos I walk in the opposite direction.  Nothing good is going to come out of what that person has planned.

05/23/12

Laws are confusing.  I can’t pay a woman to rub my genitals, but I can pay her to rub everything else.  I can pay a woman to get naked and grind on me, but I can’t touch her.  I can pay a woman to have sex with a man, video tape it and sell the video, but I can’t pay her to have sex with me.  Wait, I think I just found a loophole.  Here, hold this video camera and $200 and follow my lead.

05/19/12

Sitting at a bar dramatically increases the chances of someone talking to me about things I don’t care about.

05/16/12

Take your kids by the ears, put them on bicycles without training wheels, pads or goddamn helmets, build them a ramp out of bricks and scrap wood and make them jump it over and over until they bust they’re ass so many times that they and, more importantly, you have shed every possible tear and built up a tolerance to the slightest daily pain.  There, now that you see your kids aren’t nearly as fragile as you thought they were will you knock it off with the bullying bullshit?  Besides, your definition of ‘bullying’ has become a black hole sucking up all forms of typical childhood jokes, pranks and insults.  Oh, and take that goddamn safety net off of the trampoline, pour Dawn soap all over the surface, put the water sprinkler underneath and make the kids play King of the Mountain.

05/15/12

Chinese restaurants are not themed restaurants.  Do you realize how silly you look?  You have a smart phone in one hand and two sticks in the other hand.  Quit finger-fucking your food with chopsticks.  Why would you complicate eating?  I’ve been to China, they use forks.  Was Medieval Times closed?

05/14/12

People think I’m an asshole because I don’t leave messages on their voicemail.  No, you’re an asshole for making me listen to a recording of some lady with the most condescending attitude on the planet explaining to me in great detail how to do something I’ve been doing without complication for 30 years.

05/13/12

Be prepared because next year I’m taking over St. Patrick’s Day.  I realize it’s fun for you to dress up in silly green outfits and walk around punch-drunk spilling more green beer than you drink.  I just wish you would realize that it’s not fun for me.  First off, quit asking me why I’m not wearing green.  I don’t wear green because it makes me look skinny, bald and annoyed.  Second, I will be carrying around a globe.  If you can’t point out Ireland on said globe you will be sent home.

05/12/12

Compassion will bankrupt you.  People busted at the seams when that tsunami killed 200,000 people.  Donations poured in.  Fine, it’s your money.  But if you’re going to use death tolls as the measuring stick for disasters I hope you realize it was only .003% of the population.  As your financial adviser I would recommend not donating more than .003% of your net worth.  That works out to $3 per every 100,000 you’re worth.

05/11/12

I was wandering through the bookstore minding my own business when suddenly I hear, “She’s like, a total slut and like, totally into herself.  She was literally like, ‘I don’t care what you guys think.’”

Based on your description, I “like” her.  And I hate you.  And why are you in a bookstore?  You can’t be literate.

05/10/12

You’re not handicapped, you’re just really fat.  Get out of the powered wheelchair and walk…hell, jog.  And why in the hell are you in the grocery store buying more food?  No, I will not get the Chips Ahoy! off the top shelf for you.  You can’t see your own vagina, can you?

05/9/12

I live on the border and have a front row seat to The Comedy of Errors or, as you refer to it, North Carolina.  First, they ban gay marriage.  Then, they ban the ability to appeal the ban on gay marriage.  Ok guys, you’ve ‘solved’ that issue…let’s move on.  What’s next?  Hey, I got it: round up all the midgets and put them under a big water sprinkler until they grow to be the same height as everyone else.

05/7/12

We will always have those guys that come into a bar, tell everyone how great they are, talk down to the bartender and complain about how weak the drinks are.  Your drinks are weak because the bartender’s asshole-o-meter pegged out the instant you walked through the door.  Here, take a drink from my glass.  Taste good?  That’s what it tastes like to NOT be an asshole.

05/1/12

Drinking and driving laws are bullshit.  The DMV should go to the bar with me.  After every drink we’ll get in my vehicle and take the driving test.  If I pass I’ll blow into the breathalyzer.  As soon as I fail the driving test we’ll know my personal BAL limit.  That number will be printed on my license.  That way I can stay at the bars longer.  And that is how I plan to stimulate the economy.