People sure are compassionate towards homeless people. I wish there were more homeless people. Specifically, anyone that buys a $400,000 condo across the street from the greatest neighborhood bar in the universe that has been there since, oh, I don’t know, since before they were born and complains about the noise. If you would like to drive them out of their home and good fortune you should go to Higgins’ Tavern tonight and drink like you’ve never drank before and do it as loudly as possible. You’ll see…making people insane and homeless is way more fun than helping insane homeless people.
In my opinion, if you have a handicapped parking permit that hangs from your rear view mirror and you’re not really handicapped, you should be made handicapped. I guess it could be that you’re mentally handicapped.
When there’s a long line at a register sometimes the store will open another register. The cashier will call for the next person in line to come over. That’s the point when the very last person in the line makes a mad dash and ends up first in line. Here’s where I need accounting advice. What kind of tax breaks do I get for “eliminating” an asshole?
The term is: “I couldn’t care less”
Stop saying: “I could care less.”
If you could care less, then you actually care at least a little bit. Whatever, you probably do care a little. Forget I said anything.
No you didn’t. You’re not even 50 years old. And the thought of you wearing that bra creeps me out.
I always thought it would be much easier than instead of remembering all of my passwords to just eradicate the people that cause me to need a password.
If you would like to meet the person with the most problems they are always directly in front of me in line.
If you injure yourself through your own stupidity and you need a ride in an ambulance I think the ambulance should have to abide by all traffic laws. That means no lights or sirens either. It’s bullshit if I have to pull over on my way to something I consider important so you can get a V.I.P. ride to the hospital because you were imitating Jackass.
Just because I’m sitting near a pool table or jukebox people think I’m in charge of it.
“Do you mind if we shoot a game?”
“Do you mind if we play some music?”
I mind everything about you and everyone you know.
Quit putting FOR SALE signs on items you own. I already know it’s for sale. Everything is for sale.
Every town has that one intersection that was designed by a 7 year-old girl on Take Your Daughter to Work Day.
When I go to a bar and Jeopardy is on the television I turn right back around and go to the next bar.
I don’t feel like listening to drunken morons blurting out questions in answer form to answers I don’t care about in the first place.
Free Market Economy
Crazy people wear WWJD bracelets.
I wear a WWTW&WWoWVD bracelet.
That stands for What Would The Wild & Wonderful Whites of West Virginia Do.
And if you don’t get that joke stop everything you’re doing and figure it out.
If you go to your favorite restaurant while you’re drunk it’s much better.
Unless your favorite restaurant is Applebee’s…then screw you.
No cover band will ever be better than silence.
If you want to take a dead body, dress it up, put it in an expensive box, load it into a specially made car, tote it all the way across town and bury it in the most overpriced hole on the planet while crying and carrying on over the reading of a stupid passage from a 2000 year old novel go ahead.
But I’m not getting out of your way when you cross me at an intersection with your hazards flashing and your funeral procession flags waving.
I have things to do.
Screw you and screw the dead person.
Whoever invented the wine glass is an asshole.
That person decided to take the liquid with the most stain ability and put it in the most unstable glass.
Fashion 1 – Function 0.
When people compliment me, all they’re doing is convincing me they have grossly overestimated how much I care about what they think.
If you have to look at yourself in a full length mirror before you go to the bar don’t sit next to me.
Now that I think about it, if you own a full length mirror don’t reproduce.
When people pet my dog they always ask, ‘Is it a boy or a girl?’
I don’t know why they care. Are they going to pet my dog differently based on my answer?
I calm myself down and say, ‘Just reach your hand between his legs and feel for yourself…she won’t mind.’
If you’re talking to me while your kids are around and you spell out words you don’t want them to hear you can p-i-s-s o-f-f.
All bars could have 3-legged wobble free tables and none of my vodka would spill. But the sugar packet industry has the best lobbyists.
Prepare to be offended.
Damnit, this thing doesn’t automatically capitalize the first letter of a sentence.