Every scooter I’ve ever been stuck behind has a maximum speed of 10 mph less than the legal speed limit, which is just fast enough so IT gets through a yellow light, but just slow enough that I can’t. Who wants to play Urban Calf Roping?


I’ve been to the New Jersey Shore. It isn’t worth much. Someone estimated that Hurricane Sandy caused $20 billion worth of damage there. I want that person to measure my penis and publish the results.


They said Jerry Sandusky is getting a mandatory 30 years, but they don’t mean that.  He’s going to die in a few years and they’ll take him out.  I think there should be a rapist wing in prison where they serve their sentences dead or alive.  That way, the next convicted rapist gets a dead body as a roommate.  That would make for a good roommate sitcom to fill the void that Bosom Buddies left behind.


When I see a guy at a bar wearing a replica jersey of a famous professional athlete, I get a little irritated.  But when I see a girl with him, I become downright angry.  What kind of girl would follow around a grown man playing dress-up?  Then, I got to thinking: If there was a girl dressed up as a famous porn star, I would definitely follow her around.  And that’s how I explain to children that you should always put things into perspective.


I’ve decided that since I don’t have children I shouldn’t have to abide by school zone speed limits.  I’m sick of slowing down for things I don’t care about.


Every form of restraint put in place to wrangle assholes is a waste of my time.  I have to ease over extra asphalt because some punk kid was racing around a parking lot.  They should replace speed bumps with a couple of sensors and a spike strip.  Nothing is funnier than watching someone replacing a flat tire they got for being an asshole.


Some men are so arrogant they name their sons after themselves.  Although, I have to admit, it would have been pretty funny if Jesus was named God Jr.


The Olympics should eliminate sports that aren’t using the best athletes.  I’m pretty sure handball was created by the kids that weren’t picked to play other sports.  It’s a bunch of rag-a-muffins running around a basketball court, trying to throw a softball into a hockey goal.  Here’s the new Team USA: Me, Jennie Finch, LeBron James, Drew Brees and Derek Jeter with Jonathan Quick on goal.  Now, give me the Gold Medal.


During the holidays you guys bring plates of meticulously arranged cookies into the bar.  It’s always an assortment of made up crap with nuts and fruit.  You never have chocolate chip cookies.  Chocolate chip cookies are the best…ever.  Quit trying to better them.  They’re so good that instead of waiting for the cooking process, people just eat the dough.  How do you feel knowing that raw dough is better than your original idea?


When someone pulls out a checkbook be prepared, because the next thing out of their mouth is going to be, “What is today’s date?”

I always emphasize the year, “June 14th, TWO-THOUSAND TWELVE!”

“Uh, yeah, I know what year it is.”

“No you don’t.  If you did you wouldn’t still be writing checks.”


If I had a time machine I would go back to see Adam and Eve.  I’ve always wanted to see people that don’t have belly-buttons.


There are more than 300 million people in America.  That will end up being a lot of dead people in 50 years and your outdated burial rituals are going to waste an inconceivable amount of perfectly good land…forever.  No one is that important.  Can you just bury the body long enough to have your little theatrics then dig it up, burn it and make way for the next cold, lifeless body?  Good, now each town will have a recycling cemetery the size of a convenience store parking lot.  As a reward I should get half of all the land I just saved you.


People are always asking me why I’m sitting in the corner of the bar.  After I explain to them, in great detail, that I am the center of the universe, and therefore, I am never in the corner of anything, they go right back to leaving me alone.


We should all get to pick a group of people that will no longer be allowed to get married.  Insane people went first and they picked homosexuals.  Ok, my turn.  I pick the religiously motivated, sexually abstinent.  First off, nothing is funnier than watching someone die a virgin.  But more importantly, their children end up being those creepy, delusional, brainwashed kids that wear white button up shirts and blue pants lugging backpacks full of bibles door to door.  I’m sick of them interrupting my porn time.  Problem solved.


Calm down Mary Poppins…a little rain isn’t going to kill you.  You don’t need an umbrella to walk across the parking lot during a sprinkle storm.  A Scavenger Hunt would never be completed if one of the items on the list was ‘a woman NOT carrying something dramatically useful’.


I can’t keep up with your politically correct labels.  When did you guys make ‘mentally retarded’ an offensive phrase?  And why did you change it to ‘special needs’?  That doesn’t even make sense.  Mentally retarded people have the exact same needs I have.  Hell, I have more once you factor in my booze and smokes and the fact that I ‘need’ to pay taxes.  When Timmy calls his little brother ‘retarded’ because he shoves pencils up his nose, pointy end first, don’t turn him into an asshole because he used a word to its true definition– he’s not being offensive.  What if Timmy called his brother ‘genius’ after the pencil incident? Would that have been offensive?  Would you change that word?  Just so you know, it really wouldn’t matter if you did because we geniuses don’t care what you retards think.


When I see someone carrying bongos I walk in the opposite direction.  Nothing good is going to come out of what that person has planned.


Laws are confusing.  I can’t pay a woman to rub my genitals, but I can pay her to rub everything else.  I can pay a woman to get naked and grind on me, but I can’t touch her.  I can pay a woman to have sex with a man, video tape it and sell the video, but I can’t pay her to have sex with me.  Wait, I think I just found a loophole.  Here, hold this video camera and $200 and follow my lead.


Sitting at a bar dramatically increases the chances of someone talking to me about things I don’t care about.


Take your kids by the ears, put them on bicycles without training wheels, pads or goddamn helmets, build them a ramp out of bricks and scrap wood and make them jump it over and over until they bust they’re ass so many times that they and, more importantly, you have shed every possible tear and built up a tolerance to the slightest daily pain.  There, now that you see your kids aren’t nearly as fragile as you thought they were will you knock it off with the bullying bullshit?  Besides, your definition of ‘bullying’ has become a black hole sucking up all forms of typical childhood jokes, pranks and insults.  Oh, and take that goddamn safety net off of the trampoline, pour Dawn soap all over the surface, put the water sprinkler underneath and make the kids play King of the Mountain.


Chinese restaurants are not themed restaurants.  Do you realize how silly you look?  You have a smart phone in one hand and two sticks in the other hand.  Quit finger-fucking your food with chopsticks.  Why would you complicate eating?  I’ve been to China, they use forks.  Was Medieval Times closed?


People think I’m an asshole because I don’t leave messages on their voicemail.  No, you’re an asshole for making me listen to a recording of some lady with the most condescending attitude on the planet explaining to me in great detail how to do something I’ve been doing without complication for 30 years.


Be prepared because next year I’m taking over St. Patrick’s Day.  I realize it’s fun for you to dress up in silly green outfits and walk around punch-drunk spilling more green beer than you drink.  I just wish you would realize that it’s not fun for me.  First off, quit asking me why I’m not wearing green.  I don’t wear green because it makes me look skinny, bald and annoyed.  Second, I will be carrying around a globe.  If you can’t point out Ireland on said globe you will be sent home.


Compassion will bankrupt you.  People busted at the seams when that tsunami killed 200,000 people.  Donations poured in.  Fine, it’s your money.  But if you’re going to use death tolls as the measuring stick for disasters I hope you realize it was only .003% of the population.  As your financial adviser I would recommend not donating more than .003% of your net worth.  That works out to $3 per every 100,000 you’re worth.


I was wandering through the bookstore minding my own business when suddenly I hear, “She’s like, a total slut and like, totally into herself.  She was literally like, ‘I don’t care what you guys think.’”

Based on your description, I “like” her.  And I hate you.  And why are you in a bookstore?  You can’t be literate.


You’re not handicapped, you’re just really fat.  Get out of the powered wheelchair and walk…hell, jog.  And why in the hell are you in the grocery store buying more food?  No, I will not get the Chips Ahoy! off the top shelf for you.  You can’t see your own vagina, can you?